I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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