Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize