then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Randomize
