Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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