I think my fart just growled at me.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
