Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
