The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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