I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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