So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
