He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
