I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
