I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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