He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
