And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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