You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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