Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
