Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize