it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
