Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I supernannyed him into submission
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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