I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
