Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I need water and some morals
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
