I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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