I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
