The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I'm way too hungover for life right now
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
