before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
He felt like a one man threesome
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
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