I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
you traded sex for a burrito?
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
