I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
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