The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
