I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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