Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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