Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
