don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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