The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I could make wine with my vomit
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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