this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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