Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
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