One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
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