why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
she peed on how many people?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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