My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
