You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
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