Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I have aggressive nipples.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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