Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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