apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Randomize
