I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
