We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
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