Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
