I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
