Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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