no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
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