why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
