i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
