I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
