The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
