i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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