just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
