i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
