i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
