we have pet lesbian snakes
you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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