I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
being pregnant is like rehab
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
