i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
